A girl and her blog….

I haven’t been writing as much I would like.  My process for writing my blog is as follows. A month or so will go by and I will feel the writing bug that I cannot ignore.  I often will have the writing bug at other times, but I will talk myself out of it.  Today I cannot ignore the writing bug.  So, the next step in my process is to clean my desk and then I will start brainstorming what I will write. This brainstorming usually occurs for an hour or so.  The brainstorming me sitting on the computer surfing the web which really is not brainstorming but I find that this is my ritual.

I find it absolutely ironic that I am a trained foot reflexologist but have the worse feet.  They surely are not my calling card.  I have bunions-in fact I have two bunions on my right foot.  Bunions are when a boney bump that occurs on the joint of your big toe, but you can also get them on the joint of your little toe.  They can be quite painful, and they can be result of arthritis or a structural defect in your feet. I was blessed with flat feet which cause my feet to roll in which causes the toes to push in which causes the pressure on the joint.  That being said I had surgery on November 7th for the little bunion on the right little toe joint.  This little guy just started about 6 months ago but was so painful.  Let me put this into perspective the pain from the surgery was so minimal compared to my little bunion.  It is actually doing really well, however, I have to wear a boot for about a month.  And being that it was on my right foot I can’t drive.  This means that I have been going stir crazy.

I realized that I am at a crossroads.  I want to do something with my life.  I don’t want to work at the supermarket when I heal.  I really want to work on the things that fulfill me, and I also want to get paid doing what I am really good at.  Every time I go to the hair salon I think about dying hair a “normal” color and go get a normal job.  A normal job for me would be in the field of social work.  However, it doesn’t light me up either.  Also, I talk to my husband every time I get my hair colored he says do what you want.  He wants me to work on my business.  He wants me to work on the things that fulfill me.  I did 10 years of child welfare and a 1 year of hospice as a social worker.  If I can I would not work in child welfare ever again.  The problem I come across is trying to promote my business. I really don’t have any backbone for rejection and that is the crux of business.  Not everyone is going to like you…well I want everyone to like me.  I struggle with selling myself.  Plus, it seems very overwhelming, especially, when people start talking about algorithms of facebook and how to promote your business on the web.  I want to write too and I think that this would be the key to bring people in.

That being said I did participate in a spirit fair on 11/4.  It was amazing.  I was so busy working on people’s feet.  I had so much fun and meeting other vendors was fun too.  The fact that people wanted to take the time to sit down and have someone work on their feet says something.  It means that there are people out here who want my services.  And even though holistic practitioners in Colorado are everywhere I think that my skills actually set me apart.  I have not met another reflexologist except at my reflexology association meeting.

As the rest of America we will be celebrating Thanksgiving; which will get me revved up for December 2nd where I will be doing another event that I hope will go well.


What a year….

rainbow 1It has been a year since we moved from PA to CO.  And I have to say that I still love being here.  I felt like my last blog I was whining a little bit because I actually have a supportive husband.  I’m still not going to massage school.  Sometimes I do feel stuck but Tony Robbins (I may have used this quote before) states that we overestimate what we do in a year and underestimate what we can do in a lifetime.  I look back at the last of 5 years and how much is changed.  I never, ever thought I would be in a different state let alone half way across the country.  I thought I was on my career path as a social worker and now I’m on a totally different path.  I’m just saying that change is constant and a year from now I know feel I will be amazed where I am at.

That being said, I realize that I try to control things.  I do it by being accommodating to everyone but myself.  I do it when I give my power to other people.  One may look at these behaviors and think I am a people pleaser.  But in reality, I am just trying to keep everything together.  I worry so much that people are going to leave me if I just be myself.  In a way that is trying to control.  A great book to read on this topic is the “Four Agreements”.  One of the agreements states that you shouldn’t make assumptions.  That means that I shouldn’t assume what other people think and that what they think is none of my business.  If I am putting up a façade just to keep someone by me then I am no better than someone trying to control the relationship.  I don’t want to control things anything more.  All I can control is myself.  How people react to me is their stuff not mine.  I am trying really embrace who I am.  I believe that if I embrace myself then everything will fall in line.

As far as my business, it is a slow process.  I am working on it. I am taking part in a Spiritual Fair on 11/4/17 so all my CO peeps come visit! I have found a good business networking group and I am making great connections with people.  The problem is that I am impatient and I want what I want now.  In the meantime, I am working at a local farmers market/supermarket.  I love all the people I meet and work with.

My newest dilemma is what to do when the ‘writing is on the wall.”

I am told by various psychics/energy healers that I am very intuitive.  I was told by one reader that I hide from my intuition.  I told her the reason why I don’t listen to my intuition is that often the things I feel are not positive and I don’t want to be right.  She said look at it this way if you had the ability to help others-to let them know why wouldn’t you.  When she put it this way it made sense.  One of the ways I think I could differentiate is if there is any gain for me for telling someone.  There is usually not a gain for me.  The other thing that holds me back is fear.  I am so worried that people will think I’m being weird.  Well, I should just embrace the weird.  I mean I am kind of weird.  In fact, I used to have a key chain that said that I am not weird I am gifted.   This goes back to what I said earlier about trying to control.  I am trying to control how people think of me.  In reality this is beyond my control since I do not have the power over other people.  But I do have a gift and its time I use it.

Let it be….

How’s it going? It’s been a while.

So updates…I work at a local farmers market.  I’m also trying to work on my business and health.

It was just too much waiting around to do things every day so after some discussion I got a job.

The other thing I did was join a Burn Fitness Bootcamp.  So basically, you work out 6 days a week for 45 minutes.  It is a different mentality than yoga but I don’t see yoga as exercise.  It can be brutal for someone like me who is not athletic at all but I’m managing.  Going back to the mentality…the name of the fitness place is called Burn so they emphasize “feeling the burn.”  This is new to me since yoga encourages others to play with their edge but not “feel the burn”.  As a result, I think my progress is slower than most.  In some ways, I feel like a sell out for going but I realize that there is a place for things like burn.  Furthermore, it is a really encouraging environment.  They modify exercises, we give high fives, we cheer each other on.  I can slowly see a change in my body.  Due to my tattoo that I got this past weekend I cannot do burn until Saturday and I kind of miss it.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I was thinking of going to massage therapy school.  Unfortunately, after some discussion and moping around it was decided I can’t go until I find a better paying job to help offset the costs of massage school.  I totally understand the why but I don’t have to like it.  Currently, as a reflexologist I get great responses from people when I work on them.  But then no follow through on their part.  I have had no paying appointments outside my husband’s office.  It is disheartening because I’m really good (not tooting my horn) and yet here I am working a farmer’s market instead.  I’m also bummed out that while I want to be making more money I don’t want to do it as a social worker at least in a traditional sense.  I am also trying to find jobs in the MMJ industry but I feel like I shot myself in the foot when I left the company was at.  This company bought my contract from the initial company I was working for; I feel some sort of guilt because they invested in me.  However, at the pace I was going there I was going to crash.  I was getting up at 4 am and I may not come home until after 6pm some days.  It just wasn’t worth it.  At least the hours at the farmer’s market are more reasonable and its right near my home.  I feel kind of bummed…I don’t know what else to do.  So, I am just going to try to keep moving forward.

Marriage can be work sometimes.  Especially when you want to do something that the other party says that now is not the time for.  It can be hard not to have resentments towards the person you love when a decision was made for the betterment for marriage/economic situation.  Sometimes when I am angry I regret having listen to someone else’s opinion all the time on everything you do.  I know my husband loves me and it makes me sad to have those thoughts.  Before I was married I was pretty self-sufficient and I made things work on my own.  Now, I must take into consideration my husband.  And there is a power differential here.  He makes the money and literally holds the purse strings so I have no ground to stand on.  In addition, I feel like the only things I own in my life right now is some clothing, a cat, some jewelry, and 2 degrees which I am currently not utilizing right now.  I feel frustrated that I can’t do what I want to do when I want to do it.  Currently I am crying at my keyboard because the thing that made me so proud my self-sufficiency is gone.  I know to someone on the outside this seems so simple and stupid to be upset about.  Some people would say that I should be grateful for being married, for having a good husband, for having my basic needs met.  But do you know what it is like to be 35 and asking for permission to do things?  I went on a tour to a massage school and I knew I wouldn’t be going because I knew the answer would be no and that I should try to make more money to offset the cost-to give it a year.  I mean I had to ask my husband for money to get my tattoo.  I love it but there is kind of a meh feeling to it because my husband gave me the money.  Then there is guilt, guilt because I was mad at my husband who has been such a big support to me throughout my bouts of depression and he is still supporting me. I realized that you can’t yoga everything away.

I read about the passing of Michael Stone who was a yoga and meditation master.  I won’t get into the details of his passing you can read more here https://michaelstoneteaching.com/ .   Nevertheless, the man was a survivor of Bi-polar disorder.  I like to think of him that way because he tried to push back at his mental illness.  I realize that I try to yoga things away.  I would imagine that if I was in Mr. Stone’s mind I would be frustrated.  He lived a healthy lifestyle, meditated and did yoga on the regular and he still had struggles with bipolar.  I went into yoga because of my depression and anxiety.  I wanted to push it away.  I now realized that I cannot that in fact that is not the role of yoga and meditation.  Yoga and meditation actually, help us sit with what is.  Do you know that I even did yoga for weight loss? Doesn’t that seem like an oxymoron.  Yoga helps us sit with what is not fix us because there is nothing wrong with us.  I now know looking back that I was buying into what society wanted.  Yoga has help me sit with my depression and really recognize when I’m going down a bad path.  When I do I now know to talk to people.  Yoga helps me sit with the fact that I’m 35 with a master’s degree working at a farmer’s market.  It helps me sit with the frustration of not being successful with my business.  Yoga just helps me be.

Practice and all is coming…

I cried yesterday…first it started with my husband who admits that he likes to push my buttons.  But it ended up me relieving so much of my angst.  It all started with being invited to a business networking meeting.  I had a feeling what type of meeting it was.  There are organizations out there that expect you to meet people and then bring back leads for other people.  These organizations are usually money focused.  When I tried to discuss this, I was told to wait until the end of the meeting.  The meeting was very organized and all the people felt really genuine.  However, they wanted $700.  $700 is a lot for a new business owner.  At first, I was all on board because they all seemed to be doing so well and I could use the leads and I could use the money.  And I thought you gotta spend money to make money, right?  I told them I would get back to them about making payments on this $700 membership.  But then when I got in the car I felt a sense of dread.  I was disappointed because my instincts were right and I actually hate when I’m right (not honoring my intuition).  But in typical fashion for me I shoved that disappointment down.

Then, I come home and my husband was just being himself and sometimes he jokes and I took his joke too seriously.  Eventually, the tears came.  I cried about being dependent on him.  Yes, he gives me money because I have no money right now coming in.  He doesn’t make me feel bad about it but I really prided myself that I could take care of myself.  This pride put me in a great deal of debt because I never asked anyone for money and used credit cards.  This pride makes me a big ball of anxiety whenever I have to ask anyone for anything.  This pride made me feel guilty for not working-for not doing something.  So, this week I went to local businesses giving my business card and resume hoping that someone will get back to me.  I discount my services because I am so desperate to do.  I been applying to jobs left and right.  I feel like I’m hitting a wall.  My husband said you did everything now you just wait. Waiting has never been one of my strongest attributes especially when it comes to me.  I want everything NOW!  He says I need to focus on me.

Getting back to the business meeting…I decided to see if there were any alternatives to the organization that I was approached by.  The place to look is meetup there is tons of options for people.  I found a business organization there that was the total opposite of the one I went to yesterday.  Guess what? They had a meeting today I went and it was amazing.  Even though I was the only funky color haired person there, I met amazing people and learned so much more than at the meeting yesterday.  The cost FREE all you have to do is patron the venues the meeting is at.  Today, the meeting was a restaurant so I got breakfast and I tipped well.  I met people who are considered power partners someone you can learn from.  Yes, it is important to be with spirit but meetings like these are so grounding because it can apply to everything you do.  One of the individuals I met there was this incredible woman name Clarissa who shared all this wonderful information.  She and I are going to meet up next week.  In talking to Clarissa I was really reminded that it is about connections.  It is about connecting to people and I realized I just have to make friends with people…the rest will come in due time.  I am not saying that I should make friends just to build a business-wait maybe I am.  Wouldn’t it be great if we are treated like friends by businesses?  I would rather go to a business that not only provides great services but genuinely cares about me like a friend.

Also, one of questions in the meeting was having patience.  Perhaps I need to have patience.  I have done the work and continue to do the work.  Tony Robbins states that we overestimate what we can do in a year but underestimate what we can do in a lifetime.  I have a lifetime here and if I want my work to reflect that I must have patience.  This is a practice but I believe that if I want to succeed I must continue.

True celebration of success…

I was watching Ellen and Lewis Howes was on.  Lewis is the creator of the “School of Greatness” podcast.  His belief is to give people the power and skills that he did not receive in school.  In fact, Lewis never finished college due to a budding career as an arena football player.  But he ended up on his sister’s couch regardless and had nothing to show for his career.  The thing that struck me is Lewis talked about using the law of attraction to get on Ellen’s stage. This man managed to overcome some serious stuff (Sexual abuse, depression) but this was glossed over in the interview.  Ellen suggested that the audience read the book he was promoting.  She asked direct questions about how he got so rich.   Why is money the sign of success (spiritual, physical and material)?  I’m not here to bash money because we do live in a world that requires it.  However, sometimes we get so wrapped up in our money game that we don’t acknowledge the spiritual work we are doing.  Case in point, Howes made a bunch a money and that seemed legitimize his platform for the emotional and spiritual work he was doing.  Let’s face it the world’s riches belong to 1% of the population and if you think that making money is the goal and not the spiritual part then you are setting yourself up.

I prefer Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday because she really does talk to people about the work they do-not just their actual work but spiritual work.  I am much more impressed by the spiritual or emotional work people have done then the ability to make money.  It is the same concept with thin equaling healthy.  What if you have a movement practice that lights you up instead of focusing on your weight loss?  For me that is yoga.  I didn’t see yoga as a way to lose weight but as a way to calm my overactive brain.  I know that cardio is necessary as well and I’m working on incorporating it but now I actually have a yoga practice.  That for me is more important than some numbers on a scale.  The fact that I am taking care of me instead of focusing on what other’s think I should do.

It’s time to start celebrating our actual successes not just the material ones.  Going to a class by yourself is scary for some…what if you go to that class?  Look how much you overcame just to go.  Maybe it is talking to a complete stranger and then you get over that hump and feel elation.  Celebrate the little things you do.  It’s tough being a human and we should celebrate the things that help us come home to ourselves instead of focusing on our bank accounts.

Things are more than what they seem at the Hanuman Festival…

“Fear is the only thing holding you back.”

Things are more than what they seem at the Hanuman Festival…

In April, I found out that there was a yoga festival in Boulder in June and that some of the yogis I follow were going to be there.  Hanuman Festival is in its 7th year and they were looking for volunteers.  You only had to donate 15 hours of your time and then you had access to four days of festival.  I figured this would be a great opportunity for me- so I signed up.  Well, my shift started on Friday and at first I was disenchanted.  For starters $10 gave community members access to the vendor village and community classes and basically you are in the energy all day.  I unfortunately had the joy of breaking this information to people; in other words I had to tell people that they had to spend money.  People did not like this. I was ironically yelled at a yoga festival.  I literally had to put my social worker hat on and say in the most non-threatening soft voice, “Sir, I did not make the policy and please do not raise your voice.”  This experience, tainted my view for the day.  I started to think that this, this is what people are talking about.  What am I talking about? The gentrification of yoga.  The fact that yoga at times is for rich white people and those who are disenfranchised (i.e. a minority or poor) are excluded.  To me I volunteered because I didn’t want to spend the money, but I had the opportunity to volunteer.  I was a militant and angry yogi on Friday.  It really, really bothered me that the one booth for yogis to learn more about community service work was not very popular.  I felt like that these yogis who were better off and white were obligated to help people.  And it felt in some ways that it was all about the money for people in the community.  The staff at the festival had a valid reason why for the $10 charge and I respected it.

Then, Saturday came.  My shift started as a door monitor for an area for people who paid a lot of money and the notable yogis.  This did not help me feel any better about the day before.  I felt like why was there all this separation but I decided I was not going to feed into it and then I decide to take a picture.  I was there early and the field was empty and peaceful.  So, I took a selfie and I am pretty sure there was an orb over my shoulder.  For those that don’t know an orb is considered to be the result from a visitor of the spirit realm.  Then as I was sitting in the area and I think that I saw the whole population of dragonflies in Boulder.  Dragonflies are a symbol of transformation.  It was all so picturesque.  Once I was done my shift I was free for the day so I decided to go to Amy Ippoliti’s class.  The class was about loving yourself like Ganesh, I needed to go to the class.  The class also brought awareness to the body and how this played out during your practice.  She suggested different ways to enhance your practice by bringing more anatomical alignment.  Then, a moment came that I always dread it’s when the teacher is like let’s work on crow, or inversions all the things I can’t do.  Today’s topic handstands.  Handstands are not in my practice.  The funny thing at some part in my yoga life I read or heard that people who are overweight really should not do handstands.  So, when Amy asked who has never done a handstand before I raised my hand and then shortly realized she was looking for volunteers to try it as well.  Secretly, I was in my head saying, “Don’t pick me, don’t pick me…” and she picked me.  I did a handstand kind of.  The problem was I was so nervous. I could hear the whole room rooting for me. Amy said to me you can do this she said that fear is just holding me back.  She said there is no way I can’t do this.  It opened my eyes to how much my fear or me thinking I can’t was holding me back.  Also, I did not mention that Amy remembered me from a book signing in Boulder in April.  It was just amazing to be seen.  At the end I talked to Amy who gave me some tips to incorporate in my practice to help me further in my handstand practice.  I don’t think Saturday would not have been as great as it was if I did not choose to see the positive in the situation.

Finally, meeting vendors were the added bonus to the festival.  There were so many but two of my favorites were Sankalpa and Yogistoned.  At Sankalpa I bought this simple little turquoise bracelet and the owner sat down with me and helped me but my bracelet on.  During this process, she did a meditation with me.  The intention is that I wear the bracelet until it falls off.  Then, Yogistoned is an apparel company and if you are not a waif they have clothes for you.  The owner is this awesome yoga teacher from Detroit.  I recommend that you check out yogistoned on Instagram.

As far as my concern that yoga is not reaching everyone I am going to make an effort to participate in events that help disenfranchised populations.  It also helps me aspire to work for the money to attend trainings on how to work with people in disfranchised populations.  I realized that I am privileged because I am a white woman and I should use this privilege to my advantage.

What fur babies teach us….

Aparigraha is non-attachment outcomes and objects.  The concept of aparigraha is used in my old studio Anahata where the owner would have a lending library.  This means that people could take the books but didn’t necessarily have to return them because of aparigraha.  It can also be used in relation to individuals.  One such individual is a furry little creature called Ladybug.  Ladybug is my domestic short hair black cat and is the elder stateswoman of the cat society in my home.  Ladybug is the sweetest and gentlest cat.  A year ago, we found out that Ladybug was going into kidney failure due to thyroid issues and I recognized that my time with her was short.  Today, Ladybug had yet another vet appointment because she is throwing up.  This happens with Ladybug from time to time in fact it is like every 2-3 months we take a trip to the vet.  A couple of weeks ago I was doing reiki on Ladybug and told her that she did not have to stick around if she didn’t want to. I kind of felt like that Ladybug had a job on this Earth and it was to help me.  I wanted to know that I was okay and that she is safe to leave when she is ready.   Then, she starts throwing up constantly and I start to think is this it?  Well, so far so good she is home with after some meds and a diet for the next couple days to help her tummy.

I realize that in using aparigraha I have no attachment to the outcome.  That is not say that I would not be sad, um excuse me devastated, for a few days after the bug passes.  However, aparigraha teaches us that letting go and letting God is the best thing.  Aparigraha also reminds us that time is short-so get out of it as much as you can.  This means that I love the hell out the Ladybug until the time comes.  I won’t let her suffer and told her as such.  Aparigraha reminds to take things one step at time, one day at a time; to be present because we never know if those things that we love or attached to will leave.  Ladybug has reminded me that my time with everyone is not guaranteed and give them all the love today.