Let it be….

How’s it going? It’s been a while.

So updates…I work at a local farmers market.  I’m also trying to work on my business and health.

It was just too much waiting around to do things every day so after some discussion I got a job.

The other thing I did was join a Burn Fitness Bootcamp.  So basically, you work out 6 days a week for 45 minutes.  It is a different mentality than yoga but I don’t see yoga as exercise.  It can be brutal for someone like me who is not athletic at all but I’m managing.  Going back to the mentality…the name of the fitness place is called Burn so they emphasize “feeling the burn.”  This is new to me since yoga encourages others to play with their edge but not “feel the burn”.  As a result, I think my progress is slower than most.  In some ways, I feel like a sell out for going but I realize that there is a place for things like burn.  Furthermore, it is a really encouraging environment.  They modify exercises, we give high fives, we cheer each other on.  I can slowly see a change in my body.  Due to my tattoo that I got this past weekend I cannot do burn until Saturday and I kind of miss it.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I was thinking of going to massage therapy school.  Unfortunately, after some discussion and moping around it was decided I can’t go until I find a better paying job to help offset the costs of massage school.  I totally understand the why but I don’t have to like it.  Currently, as a reflexologist I get great responses from people when I work on them.  But then no follow through on their part.  I have had no paying appointments outside my husband’s office.  It is disheartening because I’m really good (not tooting my horn) and yet here I am working a farmer’s market instead.  I’m also bummed out that while I want to be making more money I don’t want to do it as a social worker at least in a traditional sense.  I am also trying to find jobs in the MMJ industry but I feel like I shot myself in the foot when I left the company was at.  This company bought my contract from the initial company I was working for; I feel some sort of guilt because they invested in me.  However, at the pace I was going there I was going to crash.  I was getting up at 4 am and I may not come home until after 6pm some days.  It just wasn’t worth it.  At least the hours at the farmer’s market are more reasonable and its right near my home.  I feel kind of bummed…I don’t know what else to do.  So, I am just going to try to keep moving forward.

Marriage can be work sometimes.  Especially when you want to do something that the other party says that now is not the time for.  It can be hard not to have resentments towards the person you love when a decision was made for the betterment for marriage/economic situation.  Sometimes when I am angry I regret having listen to someone else’s opinion all the time on everything you do.  I know my husband loves me and it makes me sad to have those thoughts.  Before I was married I was pretty self-sufficient and I made things work on my own.  Now, I must take into consideration my husband.  And there is a power differential here.  He makes the money and literally holds the purse strings so I have no ground to stand on.  In addition, I feel like the only things I own in my life right now is some clothing, a cat, some jewelry, and 2 degrees which I am currently not utilizing right now.  I feel frustrated that I can’t do what I want to do when I want to do it.  Currently I am crying at my keyboard because the thing that made me so proud my self-sufficiency is gone.  I know to someone on the outside this seems so simple and stupid to be upset about.  Some people would say that I should be grateful for being married, for having a good husband, for having my basic needs met.  But do you know what it is like to be 35 and asking for permission to do things?  I went on a tour to a massage school and I knew I wouldn’t be going because I knew the answer would be no and that I should try to make more money to offset the cost-to give it a year.  I mean I had to ask my husband for money to get my tattoo.  I love it but there is kind of a meh feeling to it because my husband gave me the money.  Then there is guilt, guilt because I was mad at my husband who has been such a big support to me throughout my bouts of depression and he is still supporting me. I realized that you can’t yoga everything away.

I read about the passing of Michael Stone who was a yoga and meditation master.  I won’t get into the details of his passing you can read more here .   Nevertheless, the man was a survivor of Bi-polar disorder.  I like to think of him that way because he tried to push back at his mental illness.  I realize that I try to yoga things away.  I would imagine that if I was in Mr. Stone’s mind I would be frustrated.  He lived a healthy lifestyle, meditated and did yoga on the regular and he still had struggles with bipolar.  I went into yoga because of my depression and anxiety.  I wanted to push it away.  I now realized that I cannot that in fact that is not the role of yoga and meditation.  Yoga and meditation actually, help us sit with what is.  Do you know that I even did yoga for weight loss? Doesn’t that seem like an oxymoron.  Yoga helps us sit with what is not fix us because there is nothing wrong with us.  I now know looking back that I was buying into what society wanted.  Yoga has help me sit with my depression and really recognize when I’m going down a bad path.  When I do I now know to talk to people.  Yoga helps me sit with the fact that I’m 35 with a master’s degree working at a farmer’s market.  It helps me sit with the frustration of not being successful with my business.  Yoga just helps me be.

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