My husband, Mark, and his family met in Winter Park, CO for a long weekend. We been going through it. Our sweet little cat, Pookie, died suddenly and then my husband lost his job. My husband is the the primary source of income. The timing of it could not have been worse as we just booked this lovely getaway with Mark’s brother, wife and their little boys. AND did I mention that it was almost 2 weeks before Christmas. Needless to say we needed this trip to Winter Park. However, it is have been difficult to have fun. My husband is in a slump. Can’t say that I don’t blame him but I been in a slump too worried about him.
My husband loves to snowboard which was what this trip was all about. Mark and his brother were going to go snowboarding with Mark’s nephews but it didn’t happen that way. Mark is still going to through it like I said and is finding it hard for himself to be able to chill and relax. And because he can’t chill, I don’t chill. Mark and I decided to stay behind while Mark’s brother and his family went out on the slopes, today. But you kinda get bored when sitting around so I decided to sit on my bed and watch some You tube. I been having some uncomfortable gas and thought why don’t I try doing some yoga.
I LOVE yoga. When Yoga and me met it was love at first sight. I got into yoga for anxiety and depression. I used to go to back to back classes. So much so that I became a 200 hour certified yoga teacher. I was teaching at my local studio in PA and then we moved to CO. Since then I have really struggled to find a home studio and my practice is non-existent. Several things came into play. Yoga can be expensive if you go to a studio. However, that is not really an excuse for me because I am my own teacher. I used to plan classes etc. Then, I kinda cut that part of me off as I don’t feel I fit the part. I am not some wispy skinny blond able to do poses that would put any gymnast to shame. I have always been fat but I am now my heaviest I have ever been. Yoga for me puts me back into my body and I hate my body right now so why do I want to be there. I get it we should love our body and all that but I am all about what feels good. It does not feel good to be so winded climbing up to my home that I dread going up the stairs. It does not feel good to go to the mountains and be winded from simple walking. This body is not working anymore for me.
I miss yoga terribly I miss everything about it and cutting that part of myself off is not helping anymore. So today I with my gas pains decided maybe some yoga will help and it was only 15 mins. I did some postures that I knew would stretch me out some. And while I got winded I chose to focus on other sensations such as the feeling I get when I do side angle pose. Or crescent moon pose feeling that stretch on the side body. It is such a simple posture. I realized that while I don’t enjoy the heavy breathing this is one negative of an overall positive experience.
Turning away from yoga is not the only thing I have turned away from. I haven’t practiced reflexology for some time. I just paid my dues for my ARCB (American Reflexology Certification Board) membership. It was so stressful getting everything together to get this certification and I am just squandering it. The core issue my confidence. No one has ever said I sucked. NO ONE! And yet I never promote myself. The reason why I don’t promote myself is because I don’t want to deal with putting myself out there and then having an awkward convo afterwards when they tell me no. My husband will bring up my skills to people but they don’t seem to receptive. I think partially because my husband is the one doing the promoting and I get really uncomfortable about it. I been so focused on my current job that I have forgotten about the things that make me happy.
So where does that leave me today. Yoga, Reiki, and reflexology are all things I love and are fascinated by. I have decided today that I am just going to focus on these things for myself and no one else. This will look like doing yoga even it is for 15 mins and my cat is bugging me the whole time. It will look like me doing reiki on everyone and most importantly myself. This is something I haven’t really done in a long time. I will look opportunities to put myself out there when it comes to reflexology. There are a lot of reasons why I don’t do these things and it is ultimately, because I lack the confidence in myself to not care what others think. I think I don’t deserve to do yoga because I am fat. I don’t do reiki and reflexology because I don’t want people to think I am weird. Well guess what? I am weird. I mean I have purple colored hair I am weird! There is nothing wrong with it. I am fat, so what that will change.
I won a free 6 month membership at a Fit Body Boot Camp. I am equally excited and dreading it because it will be work for me. However, I feel very supported by the owner and the trainers there. It is hard. When fatphobia is at an all time high. I don’t want to feed into diet culture but at the same time I need to get healthy. This is not about fitting into a size 0 this about not repeating my family patterns-breaking the cycle. I want to show everyone including my family that you can be healthy and have challenges. I mean I have scoliosis it means my postures in yoga are NEVER going to look like the media images. I have a hunch to my shoulders this means that doing a flat back wall sit is not possible. It is time to accept that. It is time to love myself for everything I am. This means that I am broken in a lot of different ways but I kind of look at everything a like a tapestry not the ones that were made today but the hand made ones. They are really hard to make and if one thread is out of place it means that the whole image would be. So I have to take the good with the bad. Yes, I am fat but my body is capable of doing so many wonderful things. I can do pigeon pose which was like my favorite pose but I think side angle is in that slot. Yes I am weird but at least I am not boring. Also, if life was always perfect how would we appreciate it. I am never going to be like anyone else and that is a good thing! Because no one is the same and that is what makes life awesome.